Archive for February, 2008

We’ll Miss You
25 February, 2008

Requiescat in pace, Bud.

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This Is for Posterity, So Be Honest
23 February, 2008

We’re a popcorn family, even the puppies. Whilst making a batch the other night we were talking about movie popcorn, specifically what gave it its distinctive taste. My spouse opined that it must be the bright orange lard-like substance that comes in 55-gallon drums. While my spouse tried to think of a place to purchase said oleo, I tried to think of substitutes. Which led me in short order to the First Rule of Southern Cooking: everything tastes better with bacon grease.

Hence my new creation: bacorn.

Someone needs to make a batch and report on its flavor. In the name of science, of course. Let me know how it goes.

The Memory Remains
22 February, 2008

One day whilst reminiscing about our childhoods, my spouse and I go to talking about Hong Kong Fooey, the mid-seventies TV show about a crime-fighting dog with kung fu skills. We both remembered it fondly and wondered how it would hold up for the next generation. So we dropped it in the kids’ Netflix queue. Last Monday night I put it in for us all to watch before bed.

Hmph.

Apparently it benefited from the lack of competition back in the day.

That’ll Do, Pup
12 February, 2008

It’s the responsibility of the elder members of the pack to keep the younger members in line. Mostly this can be accomplished with setting a good example and establishing expectations and without resorting to the fang.

This morning on the way to work I was passed by a teal, twenty-year-old Honda Civic two-door hatchback. (Plates available upon request.) Passing other vehicles and getting passed by other vehicles is a fact of life of the road. (George Carlin mentioned “anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!”.) I don’t mind so much if the pass is safe and polite.

This maniac wasn’t so much impolite as rampantly unsafe. The average speed on this one-lane-in-each-direction road is 60 mph. Despite the fog that reduced visibility along that stretch to about one hundred yards, the turd passed on the left in the lane of oncoming traffic. So I gave him the finger for his troubles. (Not the scolding (a.k.a. Grandma Moose) finger but the other finger.)

It’s not that I mind if he dies. I mind if he takes someone else with him and I very much mind if that person is me. If another car had been in that lane, one or the other of them could have very well swerved into my lane. His right to be an idiot stops at my health, thank-you-very-much.

By coincidence we took the same route for ten miles. In a bit of an irony, I was directly behind him the whole time: his dangerous driving produced a net gain of fifty feet. I was just taking my normal route to work but chance afforded me the opportunity to give him the stink eye (another item from Grandma Moose’s arsenal) for fifteen minutes.

The latter mile or so is a road less traveled. At that point he began to worry that I was following him to his place of work, presumably to pound on him a bit. Since I was never that angry in the first place and was past the incident, I didn’t realize his concern until he made a sudden left turn (through oncoming traffic) into an industrial parking lot and then quickly looked back to see if I had turned as well. The panicked look on his face set me to laughing. I even saw him in my rear-view mirror inch past the shrubs to check that I had really left.

I never intended to intimidate the dingleberry into changing his behavior. Nor do I think that his momentary fear this morning is sufficient impetus to cause him to drive more safely. But I do know that he pulled a high APF this morning. So I feel like I’ve done my duty as a silverback and maybe helped a youngster reign himself in before getting others or himself harmed.

Let Them Eat Cupcakes
9 February, 2008

Rumors are swirling that the WGA and the AMPTP have reached a deal and thus will the strike end. I read a complaint by a writer that the deal is not substantially better than that between the DGA and the AMPTP, which took one twentieth of the time to reach.

Let’s not bicker and argue over who screwed who. The important thing is that the funny will return to the boob tube. My TiVo was getting out of shape.

Since the deal comes with time running out for the Oscars, salvaging anything from this year’s television season, and preserving next year’s movie season, a cynic might think that the producers stockpiled enough cash and scripts to last them until now, counting on three months without pay and the prospect of no pay until the fall to pressure the writers into compromise. Good thing I’m not a cynic.

Oh, wait. I am.

What Can Brown Do For You?
2 February, 2008

Never, ever use FedEx to ship packages. Today was the latest in repeated instances where their drivers refuse to even try to deliver packages, instead claiming that we weren’t home. Here is my complaint to them:

I just got off the phone with a representative concerning the fact that this package was not delivered. The driver lied and said that we weren't home when we have been home all day and the driver didn't even come down our road, let alone knock on the door. This isn't the first time this has happened with a packaged shipped via FedEx. I have already instructed my friends and family to never ship via FedEx but, unfortunately, some companies like Apple already have contracts to use FedEx. How can I get the drivers to actually deliver the packages?

Best. Insult. Ever.
1 February, 2008

As I may have mentioned before, one of my favorite insults comes from an Orbit advert: “Pickle you, cumquat!”

I need to use that more in my day-to-day insulting. That and “candypants”.